That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
