I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
