as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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