I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
