I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
