I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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