Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
