Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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