Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
