I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
