tell your sister to shave her snatch
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
