I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
