I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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