You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
