im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
