genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
