I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
