my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
