Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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