So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
