college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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