Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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