AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
