hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Who died my cat blue again?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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