fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
