I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
