Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
