I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
