I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
