people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
