We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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