i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
