Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
