Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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