im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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