That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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