I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to have your abortion
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
