He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
