Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
