I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
