A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
not ubering you a puppy
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
