Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't deserve a penis
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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