I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
