What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
