It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
