The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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