I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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