apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
