Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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