i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
