I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
