I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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