You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
