I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
