my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
