dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
