I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
