I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
