just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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