In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
