Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
