moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
