There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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